Ask Grandma Phag: What To Do When You're Crushing On Two Guys

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Our hit advice columnist Grandma Phag is back. Grandma Phag is an 88 year old former drag performer that is known for her sagely wisdom. While she sometimes struggles to know what decade it is, her advice is always timeless. 

Dear Grandma Phag, 

I need your help with a dilemma. I am crushing hard on two incredible guys. One is this muscle cyberpunk fun boy and the other is this sweet nerd with a mouth like a hoover. They don't know about each other. I've been dating both of them now for about two months and I feel like it's time I chose.

Who do I choose? 

Love you!

Prolapsed In Portland


My dearest Prolapsed In Portland,

Oh, you've found yourself in quite the delicious dilemma, haven't you, darling? The heart can be a mischievous little thing, leading us down winding paths and causing all sorts of delightful chaos. But fret not, my dear, for I am here to offer you some of my sparkling wisdom.

Now, let's take a moment to savor these two magnificent specimens you have caught in your web. On one hand, we have the muscle cyberpunk fun boy, oozing with charisma and a touch of rebellion. And on the other, we have the sweet nerd with a mouth like a hoover, who perhaps promises a different kind of enchantment. Oh, what a delightful conundrum!

To make this decision, my darling, we must dive deep into the depths of your heart. Reflect upon what truly makes it sing, what sets your soul ablaze. Consider their personalities and how they align with your own desires and aspirations. Which one brings out the truest version of yourself? Who makes you feel like the dazzling star that you are?

Communication is the key to any successful relationship. Have you shared your intentions and desires with these gentlemen? It is vital that all parties involved understand where they stand. Open and honest conversations are the foundation upon which lasting connections are built. One of them might only be in this for the fun. Or quite frankly find out if they can meet each other. A throuple is always a delicious option, even if it's just for a night. 

But do not rush, my darling. Take your time to ponder, to explore, to savor these moments of uncertainty. Allow your intuition, that fierce inner voice within, to guide you. Trust in the wisdom you have gained throughout your journey, for it will surely lead you to the path meant for you.

In this grand performance of life, my dear, it is vital to be true to yourself and those around you. Be brave, my darling, and take the leap with grace and compassion. True love and happiness await those who embrace their own authenticity.

Wishing you the most marvelous of adventures on this journey of love, my sweet Prolapsed In Portland.

With all the glittering love and wisdom in the world,

Grandma Phag


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