Ask Grandma Phag: My Boyfriend Refuses To Fist Me

A no-filter queer sex advice column from a retired drag queen who’s seen it all, smelled most of it, and still moisturizes daily.

Dear Grandma Phag,
My boyfriend of 8 months says he “isn’t into fisting.” I’ve brought it up a few times, gently, and he either changes the subject or says “ew” like I asked him to do taxes during Coachella. I love him. The sex is great otherwise. But I want that closeness. That stretch. That… experience. Am I selfish for wanting more, or is he selfish for withholding?
— Hungry But Loyal in Seattle

Darling Hungry,

Bless your brave little starfish for writing to this gay advice column. You’ve got gumption, which is more than I can say for most of the modern gays who treat relationships like a mood swing with WiFi.

Now listen to your retired drag queen with a library of sex stories and two ex-husbands: You’re not selfish. You’re a sex-positive queer soul with beautifully stretched goals—and I support it. That desire for depth (in all its meanings) is real. But let’s talk boundaries and kink compatibility, baby.

Your man’s giving a clear “ew.” Not a soft “maybe,” not a playful “let’s research,” but a straight-up no. That’s not him being cruel—it’s him stating a sexual boundary, and in a healthy gay relationship, that deserves respect.

Nobody owes you their wrist. Just like you wouldn’t want to be pressured into something you’re not into (unless it’s taxes or a group photo), you can’t guilt someone into a queer sex act they’re not excited about. That’s how good sex turns into bad vibes and blocked numbers.

This might be hard to hear, but part of growing up gay is realizing that sometimes the man you love isn’t the man who will fit in your fantasies—or your fist. If your sexual needs include fisting, power dynamics, or deeper forms of intimacy, then you’ll need an open, honest talk about whether your paths are aligned—or if it’s time to revisit your idea of satisfaction.

But hey, that doesn’t mean it’s over. If the rest of the relationship is juicy, tender, and hot? Keep exploring. There are so many ways to connect that don’t involve turning your boyfriend into a Muppet. Maybe one day he’ll be curious. Or maybe not. Just don’t let resentment sneak into the bedroom dressed as lube.

And remember, darling:

• You’re not selfish.

• He’s not selfish.

• You’re just two gay men with different intimacy needs, and that’s okay.

• Also—there are professionals.

With love, lube, and lived experience,
— Grandma Phag
Two exhusbands and arrested once at a bathhouse in 1977.