Ask Grandma Phag

Dear Grandma Phag,

I'm a bit of a whore. I love giving head. It's like a handshake to me. Well in the last year I had to cut down my expenses and moved in with a work friend of mine who is straight. He's so sexy and I really want to blow him. I don't know how to bring it up to him. Should I just ask? Wait for a time when he's drunk? Or do I walk around naked and see if he takes the bait?

XOXO,

Blowjob Queen

Dear Blowjob Queen,

If you want something, sometimes you have to take the initiative and just go for it! But when it comes to getting down with your straight roomie, there's a few things you should consider: is he open to exploring his sexuality? Is he comfortable with the idea of a sexual relationship with someone of the same sex? If not, then it might be best to sit down with him and talk about it first before making any moves. That way both of you can make sure you’re on the same page and can make an informed decision together.

Happy Sucking!

Grandma Phag

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Dear Grandma Phag,

I overdid it. I got fisted last night for the first time and my hole aches. Seriously, I think he punched my spleen. What should I do?! I'm too embarrassed to go to the doctor and my friends are laughing at me!

Sincerely,

Gaped Hole

Dear Gaped Hole,

Oh my! You need to take it easy next time you want to turn into a muppet. If you are in a lot of pain or experiencing any bleeding, you need to get to the doctor! Otherwise, relax. Let your hole heal up and within a week you should be ready for that next elbow deep good time.

Gentle kisses on that hole,

Grandma Phag

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Dear Grandma Phag,

I'm known at the bar for always doing Britney numbers. Every other performer knows that's my girl, that's my songs, and I got all the clothes to prove it. This new girl just started performing and she had the audacity to play guess who for her number? B-R-I-T-N-E-Y. What do I do? This is a crisis to my identity and my paycheck.

#FREEBRITNEY

Dear #FREEBRITNEY,

Sweetie...breathe. Britney would encourage you to get to work. Do Britney better. That's the challenge for you.

You Better Work!

Grandma Phag